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Guy Wisdom

The Secret Life of Dad

By John Melegrito


Or that the beast has been covertly taking on a second back–his secretary's–at the motel. Under the light of your own maturity, the old man begins looking a bit more human.

Savor it. Only now can you understand what makes your father tick—his motivations, his quirks, his misguided dreams. Only now will you be able to learn from his mistakes or know what genetic predispositions await. What follows are interviews with Filipino men between the ages of 20 and 60, guys willing to pull back the father curtain on a public stage. There's not a perfect dad among the fathers here. Perhaps that's why the lessons are so valuable.

DAD SECRET 1
He doesn't know everything

When I was a kid, my dad was a disciplinarian. When we stepped over the line, his belt would always meet our behinds.

I remember when my dad was interrogating me one time. He asked whether I took money from his wallet. Incredibly enough, I was laughing the entire time. He took that as a sign of guilt and he spanked me. He was very furious, and I just kept on sniggering.

I didn't take the money, but I knew who did. He looked ridiculous then, trying to get a confession out of me. So I laughed.
Bobit, 52, GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE

DAD SECRET 2
If you want it, he wants it for you times 10

I was 16 then, fresh off high school. I always dreamt of going into the army—I was adventurous and I wanted action. Plus, being in the military sounded cool to me. I passed the Philippine Military Academy examinations and was set to take the medical examinations in a few days' time.

A friend of my dad's, an enlisted man just like my father, paid him a visit. They talked a lot. I followed my dad to the gate as he walked his friend out. Before his friend left, my dad told him about me passing the test. He looked at me. I could see the pride in his eyes. I was his son, and he was damn proud of me.

Unfortunately, I didn't get in the military because of a heart problem. And I have never seen him so terribly disappointed.
Ed, 49, BUSINESSMAN

DAD SECRET 3
Sometimes, there are things he just couldn't do

When I was young, everything seemed fine and under control. I cared little about my future and felt secure. Dad pampered us with education, a comfortable lifestyle and all the things that we fancied. Of course, being the child that I was, I thought it would always be that way.

Cancer crept into my father's life. He was getting old, and I knew he was going to die. I realized I was not prepared to face what would ensue after his death. One supper, he told us, “You have many enemies; people who want to wrest our properties from you, people who envy your standard of living. I want to protect you forever, but I cannot, so brace yourselves.”

My dad died soon after that, and it changed my life drastically.
Angelo, 20, BUSINESSMAN

DAD SECRET 4
He gets scared too

My mom wanted a divorce. It was one of the perils of having a parent abroad and unfortunately, we couldn't do anything about it. Long-distance relationships on the verge of destruction are never fixed by lengthy telephone conversations.

My dad was one of the worst hit. Sometimes, I would just see him look out the window, saying nothing. In his silence, you can see nothing but sadness in his eyes. Our family is deteriorating and he can't do anything about it.
Jared, 21, FREELANCE WRITER

My father slept with his secretary when his company went for their teambuilding. He broke it off before anything serious happened. However, the secretary started wanting more from him. She'd call our house, putting a baby's voice on the phone, demanding that he pay for the child's education; she'd send us text messages about how many women my father has slept with in the office; even to the point of sending us the baptismal certificate of his supposed lovechild.

A paternity test disproved her claim with finality, but not after my father lost 30 pounds and his usually normal blood pressure rose to 140/80. He knew that eventually, we'd ask whether what his secretary claimed was true. Turns out, he put off mentioning it to anyone, including my mother, for six months because he was scared out of his wits that our family might crumble if we found out the truth.
Tim, 25, PROGRAMMER

DAD SECRET 5
He cares even if he doesn't know how to show it

It was about 10 years ago and I didn't understand why my dad was not so keen on showing affection. It's not that he doesn't hug me once in a while or kiss me on the forehead. It's just that during the times when I felt it really mattered, he tended to be aloof.

I was in a contest then, and I was supposed to read a short story to our whole batch. It was very nerve-wracking and I was too tense. I wanted my dad to be there. Unfortunately, when it was my turn to step up, I didn't see his face in the crowd.

I'm not really sure if I didn't win because I lost heart or I just wasn't good enough, but sometimes when I look back, I still wish that my dad was there. Every time I asked him about it, he told me of the times that he did go, and I shouldn't be so stuck with one particular event. He may be right, but still…
Edward, 22, CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE

I was still in elementary then and I was forced with a decision to either repeat a year or to transfer to a public school so I wouldn't be delayed. I also took an achievement test where it says that I could pass off as a first year high school student, practically two years ahead of where I was then, a grade 5 student.

My dad was pushing me to go to a public school and get accelerated. But I stuck to repeating a year, which he thought of as a bad decision. I could have been working, earning my own money, instead of studying in my second year in college. He still nags me about it.

He probably wants me to succeed in life earlier than everybody else, but I still believe my decision was much wiser.
Kendrick, 20, STUDENT

DAD SECRET 6
He's thisclose to smacking you one

I was 13 and rebellious. My parents and I got into a row about something, I don't really remember what. But I said something that insulted my mom and my dad loomed over me before I finished the sentence. He was shaking and it looked like he wanted to punch me square in the jaw. But he restrained himself and I got off with a warning and a really lengthy grounding from computer games and going out.
James, 29, SALESMAN

 

 

DAD SECRET 7
Once in a while, he needs to act like a kid again

My family always had dinner together. Whatever happened, we would always sit down and eat at the same time. It was a tradition. And with that there is also the tradition of always making jokes about my dad's age.

We would begin by saying that my dad was Rizal's best friend or that he was the first Filipino to greet Magellan. Sometimes we even went so far as to kid that when there were still land bridges, he tolled the men passing through from every part of Asia.

Then he would add his own jokes. Sometimes it was funny and sometimes it wasn't, but we'd laugh all the same. After all, he's just joining the fun, even if he was indeed old.
Tim, 27, ACCOUNTANT

DAD SECRET 8
He's a different guy at work

My dad runs a business that has been held by my family for a very long time. The business is doing okay and we're always trying to make it better. But sometimes whenever we're in the office, my dad is all official—what he says goes. I mean, it is a family business, but it's still business. Nothing personal, really.
Rick, 23, SALES MANAGER

DAD SECRET 9
He's not as tough as he looks

A few years back, when the world seemed to fall apart around us, my dad started smoking again. We knew about it, but he always tried not to show us that he smoked, I think he feels that it would be setting a wrong example. But he still did it. Maybe it was the stress of all those problems. Financially, we were hurting (business wasn't going well). And family-wise, my mom was a bit estranged from us, living abroad working.

I guess he couldn't handle all that and keeping it all in. He got sick eventually. But we never really talked about the smoking problem. At least now he's stopped. Maybe because we started talking to him about our problems so he has somebody to share his with.
Anthony, 28, TEACHER

I have never seen my father look so helpless and defeated as when his old man passed away. After all, what could you do if thousands of miles separated you? It had been two years since they were able to see each other, and all conversations after that were done over the telephone.

He finally broke down when his brothers abroad called him with news of my grandfather's death. He took it pretty hard. We consoled him in the only way we know how: assurance that lolo Ramon lived 86 years in the best manner possible.
Myron, 23, WRITER

DAD SECRET 10
He can still appreciate a beautiful woman

When my firstborn–a son–arrived, my dad drove my mom to our house to meet him. They arrived late one chilly afternoon, and we gathered in the living room to fuss. My wife and the new granny were taking turns holding my firstborn, talking to him, and fixating on him the way women do.

At one point I noticed my dad's gaze was carrying past his grandson, through the window and over to the apartment building across the street. And there, in a second floor apartment, was one of the most amazing, gorgeous, sweaty woman I've ever seen, doing some kind of aerobic dance routine in front of the TV set. My dad couldn't keep his eyes off her. Honest to God, it had never occurred to me that he was a horny bastard, just like me!

When I look back on that family dynamic–the mothers cooing over the newborn male, the fathers quietly lusting after the fertile babe–I realize that we're all just playing out our roles in the big reproductive machine that keeps our species going. Men look and crave, and women attract glances and rings and sperm. The system relies on each of us doing our part, and it works.
Pete, 47, NOVELIST

DAD SECRET 11
Sometimes he needs you to be the bigger man

I remember one time me and Dad fought. I now have forgotten why, but I clearly remembered that I was telling him something and he wouldn't believe me. He recounted the many instances when he felt that I wasn't being truthful. I asked him if he trusted me. He said he didn't. I was pissed, so angry that I left, staying at a friend's house just to cool off. I was telling the truth but he wouldn't take my word.

Night came, I went home. Nothing changed—I knew he wouldn't give up because he's used to always being right. Pride and stubbornness ran in the family. But I swallowed mine and came up to him and said sorry.

We're okay after that, and though he's still stubborn most of the time, I just let it pass.
Martin, 24, MUSICIAN

DAD SECRET 12
Once the i's are dotted, he's out of here

My dad once asked, while he was fighting tuberculosis, what I would do if it turned out that he also had cancer. My grandfather, having died of the disease, made him wary and he wanted to know what I would do.

We were sitting there along the hospital corridor discussing what I planned, with him giving his thoughts. We had this conversation so many times already that I already knew what to say to satisfy him. But I felt that I needed to tell him still so he wouldn't be worried. And at the end of the talk, he looked at me and smiled. That's it.

No cancer was found, thank goodness. But either way, I know he thinks it would be sort of okay even if there was.
Jonah, 25, STUDENT

DAD SECRET 13
There's a meaning behind his madness

Whenever my dad and I argue, debate over something, or just plain talk about life in general, he would often give examples of situations to illustrate what he meant. Although I am not daft, and I could understand what he was saying just fine, he still gave hypothetical stories. I thought then that he could have just said them plainly.

Sometimes when I talk to my wife about things, I'd realize I've inherited his habit. I would go to a lengthy analogy of what I was pointing out. And wonder of wonders, I guess it does get the message across and sometimes much better than just stating it.
John, 26, ARTIST 

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