LIFE LESSONS
Be the King of Clutch
Your Jordan moment is coming. Will you be ready?
By Steve Calechman; Illustrations by Nick Dewar
It's easy to be a hero in your driveway. If your imaginary last-second shot clanks, you just rewind the play-by-play and shoot again. The challenge is delivering when the real game's at stake, when the ball's in your hands and the clock ticks like a hammer on an anvil. Come through and you're a champion; fail and you're a punch line. That's why they call it clutch time. Put yourself in the right spot—say, down the first baseline when the errant throw comes in—and, like Derek Jeter in days of yore, you can make the relay. You can become The Man to the boys in the office. Or, more important, to your girlfriend (when she wants to know where the relationship is going), or to your kid (when he botches the ballgame), or to those zombies scattered around the accident site (before the ambulances arrive). In fact, when the situation slips into make-or-break time, there's any number of people looking to you for decisive action. Will you know what to do? Your first clutch move is to keep reading.
Your girlfriend gives you an ultimatum about where the relationship is going.
Look at her and say, "It sounds like you've been thinking about this a lot. I want to do the same." Engaging her in the conversation right away will play at her pace, but giving an actual answer will backfire. "You're starting 10 miles behind," says Amy Bassell Crowe, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Menlo Park, California. Ruminate, then return to the issue within three days. Say, "I want to answer you in the best way, so help me understand where this is coming from," followed by "How long have you been feeling this way?" Realize that she's comparing her lot with that of every other woman she knows. Establishing a time line might reveal that she's feeling pushed by her friend's engagement or a recent visit from her mom.
You chop off part of your finger in the workshop.
Wrap the severed digit in a clean, dry cloth, place it in a ziplock bag, and put the bag on some ice. You can use a cup, a beer cooler, or a box of Popsicles. You just don't want the finger to have direct contact with the ice, or the tissue can be damaged, says Frank Peacock, MD, vice chief of emergency research at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. Then leave the bookcase project for a while and, oh, maybe get a ride to the hospital. You have only a few hours for successful reattachment. You also have a bloody stump that risks infection and excessive bleeding, so cover it up with a clean cloth—sterile gauze if you have any—then apply pressure to the site to stop the bleeding.
You're giving a speech and the audience starts dozing.
Pause and easily walk over to the area that seems disengaged. They'll stop, look up, and wonder what's about to come. Then say, "I want to share something I've never told before." More intrigue. Follow with a story about your kids (have one ready for this circumstance), says Joe Theismann, an ESPN football analyst. You'll be committed to your words, so you'll slow down—speed is anti-intimacy here. Most of the crowd should relate, and it's hard to dismiss a guy when he's somebody's dad. No kids yet? The more universal the theme, the better.
The condom slips.
The mood will be tense, so you should shoot for an air of calm and control to reassure her. If the slippage is preclimax, say, "We need to stop," to focus on the desired action rather than on the potential problem, says Debby Herbenick, MPH, PhD, Men's Health US's "Bedroom Confidential" columnist. If it's postcoital, say, "It looks like the condom slipped." In either case, stay calm. The chance she'll get pregnant after any random coital episode is about 3 percent. The highest likelihood: about 13 percent, on the 13th day of her cycle. If math was never your strength, you can say, "I'm worried about getting »you pregnant. How do you feel about looking into emergency contraception?" Day-after pills are available directly from a clinic in a handful of states, but emergency rooms and doctors can write prescriptions. There's no need to rush, but within 12-4 hours is ideal; 72 is still highly effective. As for STDs, the earliest any will show up in a test is in two weeks.
You have to sink a breakaway layup.
One more basket and the reigning rec-league champs will be buying the beer. All that stands between you and glory is a wide-open court. Cover it quickly by catching up with the ball as you push it downcourt. Take no more than three dribbles from half-court to the bucket, says Tom Izzo, the head coach of Michigan State's men's basketball team. Approach the rim from a slight angle and take off 3-4 feet from the basket—jump up, not out—and let your speed carry you in. Keep your hand under the ball for better control, release it from the highest point in your arc, and let it roll gently off your fingertips. Aim for the upper corner of whatever side of the backboard square you're on. Then turn, low-five your trailing teammates, and hustle back as you watch a bunch of accountants try not to cry.
You have to tee off while playing through a crowd.
See that delicious mother of a driver? Bypass it on your way to the three-wood, one of the most forgiving clubs in your bag. You'll lose some distance, but you'll have more loft, less spin, and a straighter ball, says Joe Rehor, director of golf at Bethpage State Park, in New York. And just because you're playing through, don't shortchange your preshot ritual. Seek your normal rhythm. Nerves tend to speed things up, so keep your arms connected to your body for as long as possible on the back- and downswings for a slow, steady pace. Tip your hat as the gallery applauds.
You're at a friend's party, the toilet's clogged, and the water's rising.
Rather than employ your usual stare-and-hope method, cut the overflow off at the source. Reach down behind the tank and turn the shutoff valve—usually to the left of the toilet—clockwise. Now you can concentrate on the backlog. No plunger? Grab a beer cup or flowerpot and start bailing into the sink, says Richard Trethewey, a plumbing and heating expert. Once the water level is down, find any kind of plastic bag—bread, trash, laundry—slip it up your arm, and reach into that excitement. Turn the water back on and give it a flush to test for clearance. Give your hands a good scrubbing, go back to the party, and never tell anyone.
You're saying goodbye to a dying friend.
As you walk off the elevator, think about what you'd want if you were in this situation. When in doubt, let that be your guide. Then walk into the room and start bitching about Kobe Bryant's ego, or flirting with the nurses—whatever tone marked your relationship. But mostly just ask him questions and let him talk. When you don't know what to say, try, "Tell me more about that." It's open and invites him to start talking, says Phyddy Kettler, RN, a psychiatric advanced-practice nurse at the University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center. Then, after 15 minutes—it's probably his energy limit—tell him that you're glad you came, that nobody made you laugh as hard, that you'll teach his kid how to bluff at poker, and that you'll think of him every time you shank a drive because you didn't use a three-wood, because what he wants most is to know that he matters and that he'll be remembered.
You and your girlfriend are being crushed at a concert.
Like the band, the throng has a rhythm. It'll push forward, then back. During the waves, make like a proud boxer and stay up. In the moments of calm, move parallel to the stage or diagonally through the crowd—there are natural spaces in these directions and time for 3-6 steps. Going straight back will be like fighting a wall and will only sap your strength, says Paul Wertheimer, principal of US firm Crowd Management Strategies. If possible, have your girlfriend in front of you—crowds tend to part for women. Keep one hand on her waist and one on her shoulder for guidance, and have her cross her arms with her hands by her face so they won't be pinned.
You're lying in bed and hear a bump in the night.
There's a chance that it's more than the house settling in for the evening. More than 15 percent of burglaries happen when the victim is sleeping, according to the US Department of Justice. But, for the most part, the burglar doesn't want company—most break-ins happen in during the day, according to the FBI. If you suspect a robber, barricade yourself in your bedroom, call the police, turn on the lights, and let the bad guy know that you've called the police, says Chris McGoey, a security expert with www.crimedoctor.com. Chances are, he won't stick around.
Two guys, one cab, it's pouring.
There's no crying or looking to the cabbie to play the role of your mama. He just wants his fare, and if it's going to be you, you have to claim it. "I have a doctor appointment" is your winning line. It might be three months away, but who's counting? "It'll work 99 percent of the time. They'll always back down," says Jerry Tierstein, author of The Meter's Running and a former 35-year New York City taxi driver. Not comfortable with the fib? Walk around the corner to where the cabs are coming from and stand on the driver's side so you're visible and he doesn't have to cross over traffic. Or seek out a hot spot for passenger drop-offs: a busy restaurant, hotel, museum, or government building.
The interviewer asks the "five years" question.
Dumb-ass question? Yes. But what the company is looking for is fit—how well your career plan melds with this position. Show the interviewer this is your next step, but that you're the guy who'll stick around when things are good and when things are tough. Then ask him how he sees this job evolving in the next five years for someone who's successful in it. You've shown that you consider joining their company a career move, and turned the one-sided exchange into a dialogue. The interviewer's answer will tell you if this is really the best place to make your bones, says Doug Hardy, coauthor of Monster Careers: Interviewing.
You're called in to talk with consultants about what exactly it is that you do at the company.
Bury them with relevant paperwork. Have your secretary call you out, and return one minute later. Ask friends to buzz your BlackBerry. You have two goals, says Men's Health US columnist Gil Schwartz: Make them think you're incredibly busy, stressed, and important, and bore them so they'll never want to see you again.
» Guy Wisdom archive
Men's Health Philippines - June 2006 Issue
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You've been enlisted at the last minute to give a toast to your buddy.
If Regis Philbin showed up at your event, wouldn't you ask him to say a few words? That's why the veteran TV host knows exactly how to handle this situation. His advice: Start off with a joke about the room, the food, the news, or the story Walt just told about that hunting trip—anything that puts your words in the moment and keeps you from sounding like a form letter. Follow with a quick story about your friend that made you laugh. Chances are, the audience will laugh, too. Finish gracefully by saying what a great guy he is. Then shut up. No maudlin sentiment. Five lines, max. And have another drink.
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