Guy Wisdom
PSYCH
Locked Out
In breaking the domestic violence cycle, we look at why the usual suspects—the men—may be the missing links
By Carol H. Pajaron; Illustrations by Glen A. Concio
It has been more than 10 years since Sol*, a 43-year-old freelance researcher, mother of seven, and battered ex-wife, left her husband. But when asked to recall the incidents of physical and emotional abuse that led to their separation, she still breaks into tears.
"Hindi ako matapang, iyakin ako. Siguro wala akong suwerte sa lalaki. Kailangan ko lang tanggapin," admits Sol. "I don't want be a hypocrite and say I don't want to be with someone. But I'm tired. I want to be with someone when I grow old. But I have to accept that it may not happen. My children are the reason I still get up in the morning."
According to psychologist Annabelle Garcia, a counselor at the Women's Crisis Center (WCC) inside the East Avenue Medical Center, Sol's resignation to fate is a common coping mechanism among survivors based on current research. "They think it's normal due to that long-time suffering. They tend to justify the dominant male in that situation, it's like they're entrapped," explains Garcia. "Eventually, they don't want to be stuck."
The advocacy towards curbing domestic violence seems to be mired in a similar fix. Despite the landmark passage of Republic Act (RA) No. 9262 in 2004 which criminalizes violence against women and their children, the latter remains a pressing concern in the Philippines. Statistics from the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD) indicate that six out of 10 families are at risk of becoming victims of family violence. Also, a meager 10 percent of abuse cases are reported to the police. "More than a year the law has been implemented but we still see problems," says Garcia. She specifically cites the victim's weak financial capacity as a deterrent to the filing of protection orders, moreso prosecution, against an abusive partner.
Lina*, 56, another domestic violence survivor endured 10 years of abuse in her 12-year marriage. Despite being slapped, punched in the chest, and kicked by her husband on separate occasions, she didn't immediately think of him as a lost cause. "Nag-adjust ako to make the marriage work," says Lina. "I was very loving, because I told myself, ‘He'd be the last man I'd love.'" It was only upon discovery of her husband's sexual advances towards his stepdaughter (Lina's child from a previous marriage) that she sought professional help and support through the WCC. "It's really true at that time, that there's a thin line between love and hate. And it's hard to have those two emotions clash," she says. "But his attempt to rape my daughter…that was a turning point."
"All our social structures are for reconciliation—the law, the church, the family, the school, the community, even the media," explains Garcia. "Oo, gusto natin ng buong pamilya pero tingnan din natin…para siyang inaanay na bahay na anytime will crumble. It only looks good from the outside. Buo nga ang family pero wala namang ginagawang pag-ayos sa problema sa loob. Yung mga bata, laging nasa labas or nagdru-drugs—they find haven in other things. There's no positive effect even on the batterers. They may have the privilege of releasing their anger, the perception that they're winners, but emotionally they're also affected."
Given the prevailing trend of reconciliation between couples in spite of spousal abuse, Romeo Lee, PhD, offers an alternative view. In 2002, Dr. Lee published a research on Males' Perspectives on Gender and Violence, which aimed to address the question: "If men are often the sources of physical violence, why are they excluded from domestic violence programs?"
His 24-month The Filipino Men and Domestic Violence Project (MENDOV) surveyed men in Iloilo, Davao and nearby rural communities regarding their perceptions, attitudes, experiences, and feelings on marriage, family, interpersonal conflict and violence, as well as behavioral change. It also included social intervention, which involved workshops and a follow-up visit with the male participants of the workshops.
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Men's Health Philippines - February 2006 Issue
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