But what if premature ejaculation isn't a curse after all, but simply "survival of the fastest"? According to Mark Jeffrey Noble, MD, a consultant to the Cleveland Clinic Glickman Urological Institute, "One might find some logical sense, from an evolutionary point of view, to the idea that males who can ejaculate rapidly would be more likely to succeed in fertilizing a female than those males who require prolonged stimulation to reach climax." So in that sense, maybe PE isn't a sexual dysfunction at all—it's a completely normal way of functioning, based on male physiology. That's why we should stop calling it "premature" ejaculation and come up with a new, more accurate term: "immature ejaculation." Because, frankly, that's what it is: an immature way of doing things that largely stems from the way we're taught, or rather, not taught, to masturbate in childhood. Most young men, fearing discovery, masturbate furtively and quickly, unwittingly exploiting, and simultaneously hard-coding, their natural propensity to rapidly achieve gratification. Weight lifters talk about "muscle memory." I believe that premature ejaculators experience "penis memory." No wonder the pioneering sex researcher Alfred Kinsey observed in his book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male that the average man can maintain penetrative thrusting for only about two minutes. (However, Cosmo readers said the average guy lasts 10-15 minutes.) We've trained ourselves to ejaculate quickly, and we need to relearn the process of sexual response in order to last longer.
At first, like any overexcited teenager, I dealt with PE in the usual ways: masturbating before going out on dates (which helps, but becomes less effective as you get older and require more downtime between erections); downing beers; and donning double, even triple, condoms. I even tried to delay orgasm in the heat of the moment by distracting myself with baseball statistics or images of dead people—and let me tell you, thinking about corpses during sex: definite mood killer.
Later, I graduated to herbal remedies, topical ointments, and miracle creams advertised in the backs of porn magazines. On one occasion, my little experiments led to an acid burn of my penis in the men's room of a Japanese restaurant. In yet another doomed effort, I put the Errol Flynn method to the test: a dab of cocaine on the tip of the penis. The matinee idol once explained that it could be helpful "if you're quick on the trigger." But it didn't work for me, and I doubt it really worked for Flynn. He claimed to have slept with more than 13,000 women in his lifetime. Now, how the hell are you going to do that without being a premature ejaculator?
The day Tara left for Hong Kong—giving me three weeks to shape up or clear out—I spiraled to an all-time low. In a desperate attempt to keep that ring on her finger, I tried every type of radical therapy. There was biofeedback treatment, in which an electrode was inserted where I least wanted it, and I was encouraged to engage in an activity once thought to cause blindness in teenagers; self-hypnosis tapes that lulled me into such a deep trance with its sounds of water being stopped and started that I woke up soaked in my own urine; and a session with a German "masturbation specialist" who sternly observed and critiqued my methods of self-pleasure, all the while keeping time with a metronome and commanding me to "stop, start, squeeze; stop, start, squeeze!" By the time Tara returned, I was a complete mess. I didn't know if I was coming or going. Or, for that matter, if I'd be coming and then going after having sex with her.
And as she emerged from the shower and came to bed, naked and glistening, I was so nervous, I didn't just prematurely ejaculate, I spontaneously ejaculated. True to her word, she left me. Don't feel bad. I don't. (Anymore.) And don't worry, either. According to the www.MensHealth.com and Cosmopolitan US survey, less than 10 percent of women say they've dumped a guy because he was quick on the draw. Shortly after we broke up, I began working with a really terrific sex therapist. I overcame PE within a few months, using six techniques. (See "6 Steps to Beat PE." ) I was so transformed, and inspired, that I decided to change careers and go down that path myself. Today, I continue to learn about PE, which is exactly what the late sex therapist Helen Singer Kaplan, MD, PhD, advised in what is still considered the definitive guide to conquering PE, titled How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation. My struggles led me not only to my passion in life—writing about sex and helping others through sex therapy—but to the love of my life, as well: my wife, Lisa. My short story finally found a happy ending.
Ian Kerner, PhD, is a certified clinical sexologist and the author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
» Sex archive
Men's Health Philippines - April 2007 Issue
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Continuation...
Pinpoint ejaculatory inevitability. Masters and Johnson broke the process of sexual response into four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. It's the plateau and orgasm phases we're most concerned with, as most men crash through the former, straight into the latter. The trick is to slow down and recognize that there's a spectrum of feelings throughout the process of sexual response and to recognize your own point of ejaculatory inevitability. Rate your sexual excitement on a scale of 1-10. Try keeping yourself at 7.
Sexercise. Do your Kegels. A Kegel is an exercise that helps tighten the pubococcygeal (PC) muscles of the pelvic floor. Both men and women have them, and you can become familiar with the muscle group by cutting off the flow of urine and then starting and stopping it repeatedly. (Begin with a full bladder.) Once you have the exercise down, practice your Kegels anywhere: at your desk, behind the wheel. Tighten your PC muscles and hold for a count of 10, then release. Practice in sets of 10. Stronger PC muscles will help you exercise ejaculatory control when you approach the point of inevitability.
Press, don't thrust. Tease her, taunt her: Press the head of your penis into her clitoral head. Linger in her vaginal entrance, where the most sensitive nerve endings are. When you do have intercourse, focus on small, shallow movements that penetrate the first 2-3 inches of her vaginal canal. Press your penis against her G-spot. You'll last longer if you're not thrusting vigorously.
Show a little courtesy. Ladies first, gentlemen—and I'm talking about more than just holding the door open. Keep your woman happy. Women have an innate capacity to experience multiple orgasms. When you help her to her first one, it relieves you of some of the pressure to please and the psychological anxiety that feeds into PE. Use your fingers; use your mouth.
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